I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
