I CAN MOONWALK!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
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Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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