I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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