I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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