I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
