i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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