My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
