I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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