Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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