when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
