i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
