im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more