The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.