We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.