dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.