yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
