I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
