Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
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I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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