This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
