Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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