I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
