why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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