i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
