the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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