so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
