he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
