Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
