I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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