Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
