I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
