Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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