I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
