He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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