someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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