I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
