I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
