another moral hangover. fuck.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
