Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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