You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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