wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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