So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
