i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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