mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
