I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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