Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
