well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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