the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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