Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
