i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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