Your mouth is God's brothel.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Of course I have a pirate flag
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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