At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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