I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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