dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i can't believe i had my finger in that
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
