saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize