I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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