Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
