Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
