omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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