I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
